Before: Tho I wasn't diagnosed with this condition by a counselor or psychiatrist, It doesn't take a genius to see an obvious case of philophobia. The term can mean more than one thing. It just doesn't have to be based on the technical definition. I have recently decided that self-diagnosing myself as philophobia is far from false. Absolutely not. Too many incidences led for me to feel this way. Unfortunately, I have allowed the sin of fear to conquer my Christian walk lately. I have allowed inessential thoughts and "observations" to cloud my decision-making and allowed myself to feel defeated in a sense. Yes...The "Shoestrings Fighter"...felt defeated...I'm competitive. I'm not referring to a physical fight but a dumb fight with my flesh and spirit self.
For my readers, I feel like a hypocrite. Another reason why I been hard on myself. I despise crying when it's outside of conviction but I have been. I feel like a disappointment and foolish. I have improved on not showing how hurt I am externally but behind close doors.......smh...I'm dumb for allowing myself to be vulnerable. I took my eyes downward instead of allowing myself to be more aware of the ball coming my way. (For those that are just tuning in and are confused by that statement Please feel free to read my other blog "Now See What I see") I apologize to you all.
After: Notice I been saying allowing. I made the poor decision to let my guard down. I am not bitter nor angry. For a split second I was because I became frustrated BUT this morning I had an epiphany. I listened to two messages. "Can God Change Your Plans?" and "Encouraging Yourself". I learned that I need to focus on the good of people instead of the bad and I learned that I can't settle but remember that God has my best interest at heart. As Pastor Kenny Baldwin stated and I paraphrase, "If God tells you No, it's because he has an even stronger yes." Meaning that He may tell us No to something we may want or think is right but since He is the only one that truly has my back, His stronger YES is for something better he has in stored for me. It's up to me to follow His plans. So after listening to these messages, I found my glasses and was able to see a better perspective of things. I need to get over my fear and hand it over to God because I gotta STOP trying to control and dictate my future and allow God to work on me. Otherwise, He will chastise me until I get the point. I confused my chastisement for philophobia when I should view it as a change of plans. Do I make sense?? Do you get where I'm directing this?? Hope so. If not, please place your questions below.
I kept this blog 100 because I.Am.Shoestrings- This is me.
LuvALeighD aka Shoestrings
